I set my playlist to one of my all time favorite songs, The Fray's How to Save a Life. For some reason, I am reminded of my kid's father.
For most of my life, I grew up having my grand mother around. She gave me all that I need, all that I want. My grandmother's sister was also present, ninang, and of course, my mother. I never had a father figure, I was never molded to believe that not having my dad around made me a less person. And that's when I understood why my relationship with kid's father never worked in the first place.
It wasn't taught by anyone in my family, but given the circumstances that I was in, I never truly admire men. For me, men are passive, I never had a man tell what to do, let alone control my decisions. It was always the women in my family who's in charge. So to be submissive to a guy is really hard for me to do.
Though at some point there was this eery feeling that maybe, my life will be different. I thought that this time, I would be able to nail a complete family. Somehow, fate really has its own way making things work.
Nobody can ever say that I never tried. Even when my kid's father and I were just starting going out, I figured that perhaps there is a possibility for me to be a wife. My friends can attest to that. They have discouraged me to be with him because they thought they were losing me to him. They thought I was investing too much without the assurance that there will be a bright future ahead.
Life happened with him. I started to weigh things and realize a lot of lessons. I then began to plan my life with him and build dreams with him. My happiness started to be wrapped around his happiness, his frustrations encouraged me to be better. Then I became dependent on everything he thinks and feels.
For years, it was always about him and his standards. My family even gave him a pat on the back for all the things that he did to change me. But along with those changes, I began to ask questions; because with all that I gained, I was not happy, I felt limited only to how things grow according to his perspective. I started to think about how I feel about things, how most of the time, my opinion seemed to be different than his.
I became a rebel. I suddenly realized how things should be: a relationship needs to be a two-way street. I need to get out of my comfort zone to fully experience life. I realized that everything I have learned are based from what he experienced. I am not saying that I have to relive all the mistakes and doings to learn, it's just that I never applied any of his teachings because I was boxed out from reality.
Suddenly, I found myself far from what I thought I should be like. It's like back stabbing yourself. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the person in it. The more I dwell in this thought, the more that I look back as to how life would be like we didn't, and how everything would turn out if I firmly set my own standards and if I only valued myself instead of a another person.
I cannot contain my emotions and created a life different from what was expected of me. It was only this year that this secret life was revealed. Even through all the judgements and criticism, I have to do this for me to grow on my own, to not lose myself in the process of changing myself.
Now, I feel that I don't need a man to point me to the right direction. That was what I was waiting for, there was no point in changing if I feel that someone else is dictating me to do it. It has to come from within.
Reality hit, and I have to prepare for work. I am leaving you guys with this thought though, how do you live life?
A beautiful Wednesday morning everyone!
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