me, him and love

Freedom is not always defined when you can make choices. It is also defined to being able to express yourself and just be yourself. The duration of my recently ended relationship got me thinking of how things got messed up because I was trying to be the ideal person he wants me to be.

I backtracked to the first time we met and conversed; that was the most honest moment between the two of us. I enjoyed giving him bits and pieces of myself, also the reason why we clicked in the first place.

Somehow, as we moved further with the relationship, there had been traits, attitudes, and choices that we didn't agree on. That's when I started to become iffy about myself and changed into the what he thinks should be ME.

I kept all my thoughts in the compartment. Even the way I dress changed; my hair grew to how he wanted it to be. The more I changed myself for him, the more lonely and miserable I became.

He said that the only reason I felt that way was because I have a will issue; that I didn't want to be a better person, an ideal person.

I consumed myself in that statement. I have accepted that my life would revolve on only one thing: becoming ideal in his perspective. I thought I have succeeded, I thought I have become the person he wants me to be. But then again, when I see other people choosing their passion, being able to fully express how they feel and think about the things around them, I felt miserable. I felt that if forever would be spent with him, then I'd forever hide in his shadows.

He had a strong mind and he is very intellectual, that made me believe that I am not a good person to begin with.

When I left him, it was like coming back to life. My preferences have somewhat changed from before I met him, and there are also some things that I have adapted from him. I thought, maybe if he only let me be, then we could have made it work; maybe if I didn't think so lowly of myself, all of these would not have happened.


It's about time to choose and love myself. In time, if only he could only open up and listen, then maybe... our family would be whole again.